I am?

I was talking to a friend the other day and it got me thinking about video interviews or adding a video to an application to “try to stand out.” If you haven’t noticed lately I’m a little stuck on the job search, because my life isn’t existing because of lack of money and its been too long. “Woohoo,” she said with great sarcasm. But it got me to thinking about how I would even start something like that… Being another person who isn’t entirely great at describing themselves, I had to dig and then I came up with far too many things of course. So here’s my rambling for the day…

Who am I? I’m Christina Constabile. I am an artist, photographer, teacher, student, communicator, listener, reader, guide, lover, dreamer, seeker, romantic, fantasy adventurer, rebellious status quo challenger, talker, problem solver, savior (of everyone but me), fixer, leader, loner, explorer, traveler, light worker, searcher, researcher, answer finder, decision maker, dancer, actor, performer, intelligent, tech geek, good at every job I’ve ever had, philosopher, history buff, writer, care giver, adult, puzzle doer, logical realist, jack of many trades, constantly growing and evolving, animal lover and friend.

I am a person of ideas. I am a person who dreams and lets myself chase them. I’m a woman with an opinion and I am not afraid to use it. I can light up a room or hide in a corner. I can host a party, dinner or not. I can cook the dinner myself, and I will clean up after it. I am in every way an adult, but I will not play by your rules. I barely play by my own. I actually tell a joke just like that — Rule #1 I don’t sit at bars. Rule #2 never play by the same rule twice…

I want to live. I want to live a Life of wonderful crazy chaos that lets me be free and content until I don’t know any other way to be. I want a job that lets me come up with ideas, and put them into practice. I want to create things, and help people fix problems. I want to break stuff and make it better. I want to paint stuff and have fun making a mess, just because I can.

I don’t entirely know how to define myself because I don’t want to. I don’t exist in a box, I broke the box and colored on it when I was 4 years old. I am whoever I choose to be on any given day. I am and I’m not like most people that I’ve known and met throughout my life so far. I let myself be fearless in exchange for wondering “what if?” I keep trying to work towards being a person I love and can not only feel comfortable with being, but someone I actually want to live life as.

I’ve had millions of experiences, good and bad. And I’m realizing now more than ever, conditioning and expectations are boundaries more than they ever have been… and they are things one has to learn to let go of in real time.

In this same conversation I mentioned earlier, my friend taught me the origins of the word apocalypse. And for those of you who don’t know – I love language and the use of words in conversation and in unusual ways, so I’m usually the one giving origin/ etymology speeches, but this time he gave one to me.

Apocalypse – late 14c., “revelation, disclosure,” from Church Latin apocalypsis “revelation.” From the Greek apokalyptein “uncover, disclose, reveal.”
From apo “off, away from” + kalyptein “to cover, conceal.”

It made me think, right now I’m an apocalypse or in an apocalyptic state in regards to myself and my life. I’m working to reveal and uncover my truth and have revelations in regards to the way I want to live life. I’m right now attempting a paradigm shift of apocalyptic proportions, because I have to.

I’m trying to reveal and attempt revelations by thinking in new and different ways, by using patterns and showing myself what and where I could be rather than do nothing to change where I am not. I really have no idea where I go from here, but I need to go somewhere. And part of the reason I have no idea of where to go from here, and the reason I want to run and adventure and explore, despite having zero money or any clue what comes next is, I’ve suffered in my own existence and in my own head, because of the conditioning and upbringing I’ve had.

I’ve recently learned a piece of the puzzle I was missing and now I’m trying to make sense of it all, but also move past it. I don’t want a typical 9-5 job because it isn’t going to suit me. I don’t want a typical anything, but people around me keep proving they don’t want different. Well I don’t want typical. Maybe that’s me just wanting to do it the hard way once again, but people assume that you see more than one way to do things and that’s not always the case.

As I would believe most would not consider themselves an apocalypse in any way, and I am, despite wanting simply to live, and live simply – I would have to say what I want is typical but how I want to get it is not. Semantics aside, knowing as much as I do about myself, I have no definition to give. I have no word for me.

However, I keep going, I persist, I endeavor to persevere. I want love and to be loved. I want a life I love to live and to be a person I am proud and happy to be. I want a job or career that allows growth, personally and professionally, I want to create and play with my job and my life. I want to read and learn. I want to be in nature and make things. I want the proverbial all that is all to me. And I believe it is possible, because I have to. I have to.

So I am who? I am only me and that is enough.

2019 – here we go.

I always seem to have either one foot in the past or one foot in the present.

How many cycles do I have? Idk, let’s see… depression, finding me, changing directions, really happy, confused, lost, stuck, annoyed, really numb, reeling daily –honestly, it all depends on what I’m trying to do and accomplish.

I started this post on Jan 22, 2018, and ironically I thought it would be fitting to actually finish it now (almost a full year later started one day shy of my 29th birthday last year)… and I think after 29 years of living with one foot in the past and one in the present, my present is now my focus, my past has been let go of and my future is on the horizon.

Suffice it to say 2018 was a bitch to me. So, I’m going to make 2019 my bitch, because honestly I don’t have a choice.

Survival mode is no way to live and stress has caused me far too much harm in the last year. I’ve decided that my time in LA is quickly coming to an end, because its just time. It has taught me a lot and it has given me a lot in both good and bad ways, but I don’t feel it has anything else to give at this point. I’m looking overseas and I have my eye set on a few places in particular, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

Over the last six to eight months, I’ve moved to a new place in LA, lost my job, screwed up my foot and ankle, gained a bunch of weight because of not being able to walk, workout or move very well for months on end, ditched some crappy roommates, ditched some crappy friends, got a new roommate, still searching for the friend part. This past year has been anything but kind, so now it is time for me to be kind and find kindness to give to myself, because I deserve it.

I read an article today that said, “If a person’s behavior doesn’t make sense to you, it is because you are missing a part of their context.” I’ve been missing a part of mine and I’ve realized a handful of things in the last two three days. I had a fight with my mother last night and it made me feel worthless and unlovable because she always makes me feel that way whenever I try to put up a boundary or express my discontent with the way she treated/treats me.

And then I read this article and it made something in my persona make so much more sense because of it. I always try to save people and fix people in relationships, because I need those things and I need to feel like “I’m worth it and loveable.” I become something and someone others don’t and can’t. It isn’t really a good thing, but it is still what I need. It’s still what I’m missing. I don’t feel whole because I don’t feel worthy or loveable.

In this fight my mother told me I was not only ungrateful, but that I do absolutely nothing for her and I never have among a lot of other things. This basically proves she doesn’t know me at all and never has, which only fuels the flames. It however makes me realize more and more that the years past and the crazy within was being driven because of the treatment of self by myself (because I believed her) and my mother and sometimes father.

Now, my parents have helped me financially and I won’t take that from them. They gave me food and shelter and what not, typical things. I didn’t want for most things, but they never showed up to my life. They rarely paid any attention to me, I was basically their parents more than they were ever mine. Yet, they don’t allow me to be me. They don’t know me. They don’t see me. They criticize me and tell me not to be me in various forms. The list goes on.

So I’m going to say that the thought process of “allowing” someone to be themselves is insane. And 2019 is about to change everything because I can’t and refuse to live like that anymore. I talked to my aunt about this today (my mom’s sister) and she told me that around the time I was 6 or 7 and again around the time I was 13/14 my mom told my aunt I was doing this and that and having issues with this or that, and my aunt tried to give her advice, my mother’s response was “she makes her own decisions.” Um, at 6? 7? 13? 14? Sure I make decisions if its about my favorite color or the kind of birthday cake I want at my party, but this was about the beginning stages of me not feeling comfortable in my skin, and later having to deal with major depression. Suffice it to say, I was on my own without support and if I wanted to do it, I had to do it myself – which is still very much the case, but as I sit here 17ish days from 30 it isn’t entirely the same argument. So again – its time to change.

This stupid pair of feelings has been screwing me forever, and that one piece of information makes things make so much more sense and so I’m going to ramble a little more and see where it takes me….

I’ve been applying to hundreds of jobs in the last year. Thousands in the last decade. I haven’t stopped applying to jobs since I was a senior in college in 2010. (You’d think I’d be better at this, but I’m not – honestly I shouldn’t even be saying this). EVERY SINGLE JOB I’VE HAD MAKES ME FEEL LIKE MY MOTHER MAKES ME FEEL. And that is NOT okay. And that is the exact problem.

This is going to be my year. I’m going to stop playing with other peoples’ versions of me. I’m letting a lot of people go (I’ve already started). And I’m getting closer to those that actually stick around me and build me up. I’m learning how to actually tell people about myself. I’m actually learning how to talk about myself to myself. And I’m learning things I probably should have learned at 6 years old, but couldn’t because I was making major life decisions rather than finding out what I actually like and who I am on a fundamental basis. 2019 is off to a rocky and ridiculous start, but its been years overdue.

This is my year to travel, explore, adventure, really live, become debt free or find a way to stop giving a fuck that I owe too much money in student loans, and become the person I want and need to be for me to succeed on my terms. I’m going to do this with or without a safety net because let’s face it, I never have a safety net, and I’m going to promise myself to keep allowing myself to be fearless rather than wondering what if.

So jobs abroad, remotely, whatever, anything, everything I don’t even give a shit. I just want to live and be alive. I want to thrive and not just go through the motions. I can and I will be kind to myself. I will not allow others to tell me who I am, box me into their version of me or wreck me in any way because they’re not me and they don’t matter. None of this is going to be easy, but it has to be a fuck load easier than carrying the weight of the world and the abuse of my parents around.

So here’s to you 2019 – let’s make it the best year yet, let’s reach for the stars and let’s kick some ass. Like I said, my future is on the horizon and its an adventure in which I’m overdue.

 

 

Realizing Realizations

I was talking to a friend last night and we were discussing my unemployment when he told me to, “craft the perfect resume.” My mind went reeling with the possibilities of that and the research it would take for me to actually construct such a thing. Naturally I started with Google and tried to figure out if there was something already out there that even mentions perfect resumes. Not to copy of course, but for research purposes to get closer to what people even want or say they want whether it ends up being truthful or not. The quick answer – there isn’t one, at least it doesn’t exist in a place I can find it. Which begs the question – is there a perfect resume? And if so, do companies even know what that means or are they even more clueless than we give them credit for? And if there is a perfect resume what does it entail?

Now I don’t mean some generic resume that is the perfect template or the prettiest looking etc. I mean if I applied to any job with this resume, I would be undoubtedly granted the interview or be sent on to the next steps. Now knowing we all lie a little on these things by maybe changing dates or making the title seem more legitimate to the actual responsibilities we had rather than our actual title, I figured there was merit in this idea. Now I have two bachelors’ and half a masters… I list my masters on my resume as I spent a year there and it not only marks time, it exists in its half completion but the amount of turmoil and insanity I endured that year I should be granted it by default (lol).

I come to find that it might be hurting my chances all together. Then I read a job description with a $15/hr starting salary in Los Angeles with 5+ years of experience and a masters degree required and I think… you’re fucking kidding… but they’re not. So what does and doesn’t hurt your chances and is it all dependent on the schmuck in human resources that doesn’t want you to be more educated than they are, smarter than they are or better paid than they are? Or is a computerized thing that just screws us all?

In all of this research and playing with ideas and figuring out what the perfect resume might even look like, what it has on it, what degrees, from what schools, where you worked, what position you held and for how long… I started to think more along the lines of, if I really have to fabricate an entirely new person with new work experiences and new degrees… is it really even worth playing this game with them? And personally, the answer is no. Yes, we live in a world where we’re all offended and need personal assistance getting out of bed sometimes… but we shouldn’t have to lie to end up with gainful employment. We shouldn’t have to trick computers into giving our resumes to people to read so we get a chance at the job. And we shouldn’t have to prove to companies they’ll have our unyielding loyalty when not one company I’ve ever worked for has had loyalty to their employees in any way.

We’re in a strange place in this world today and I’m realizing how much I’ve truly changed from who I was when I graduated college to who I was after grad school and who I’ve become since living in California. I was watching a show the other day and it said something about how we’re all running maybe that’s why we’re called the “human race.” And I had to stop and think about that for a moment because that’s what I do… I think and I realize.

We’ve created a rat race/human race that no one can possibly win anymore and we’ve imposed it upon ourselves…. but why? To look the most successful? But if the majority of people were actually all successful, wouldn’t we be in a better place overall? It just doesn’t make any sense. Instead here we are fabricating ourselves to try to best play the game of who’s winning the human race today and how can we keep doing it tomorrow. Does fabricated success actually equal success? Or are we all just in survival mode hoping that one day we’ll win the race and having this “job” will pay off?

Idk about you, but I’m tired of running on the rat wheel and not getting anywhere. It’s time we changed the game. Its time we forced the hands of those to actually find the right people for the job and treat people as actual people, not just rats in a cage.

 

Which way is which?!

When I was little, I wanted to be an artist. Then I wanted to be a marine biologist (I love the ocean). Then I went back to artist. Then I went to 3D modeler/animator. Then I figured photographer or some kind of advertising. I’ve worked in creative fields, I’ve worked in marketing, I’ve worked in advertising, I’ve worked on social media, I’ve taken photos for others in lifestyle shoots, as a part of film festivals, for dance or theatre productions, sporting events and around the world. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an insurance and finance professional. I’ve worked as a marketer for a real estate company. I love photography, but I don’t want to have to be constantly chasing some lead to take pictures to fulfill someone else’s vision. I’ve known that travel, history and art/creativity are the three fields I like the most and have for years. I also like psychology and puzzles, but I tend to like to learn about people and what makes them tick so it only makes sense (despite never taking a psychology class). But knowing all this… and typically having the answers/ something I’m willing to chase, just doesn’t seem to exist in my life right now and Idk what to do or how to get there.

I’m 29 years old, currently unemployed, two and a half degrees with student loans to prove it, credit card debt for the first time in my life, worked jobs that I thought would get me somewhere I wanted to go (until I got here) and trying to figure out what comes next.

This last few years I’ve been working on becoming more of myself to myself and I’ve definitely achieved that. I’ve tried some new things and read new things and allowed me to be me in ways I’ve never done before. Its been about six months since I’ve lost my job and despite never defining myself by my employment –  I’m starting to look at things and feel like despite my progress there’s nothing there. It makes me think about how broken our system is and how many things there are that just shouldn’t be that way. It makes me want to take myself out of the rat race and move to some small European town that doesn’t have half the issues that being in the US does. I’m overall more emotionally stable and content than I’ve ever been and for once I don’t feel like I’m lost, but I have no idea where I want to go either, so either way not really a great sign…

This time I’m standing in a star shaped crossroads with paths all around me and I don’t know or care about which one I take. I’m not miserable in a job I hate. I’m not fighting traffic or people on a daily basis because they’re incompetent or ridiculous. I’m not in need of a week’s worth of sleep every moment of my life. And I’m finally thinking the whole “be grateful” thing doesn’t need to have as much weight as I’ve put on it, in the way I’ve inflicted the definition upon myself.

In all of this I’ve really only proven to myself that life is a learning curve and despite knowing how to cook, clean, pay my bills, take care of most of my day to day doings, I still want someone to help me out and tell me what I should be when I grow up. Because I know this is no longer the world of get a job and work there for 20 years…. let’s face it company loyalty is a thing of the past and if I died tomorrow, my job would theoretically be posted before my obituary… I need a job because I need money and a way to not only survive, but thrive. How do we thrive in today’s world?! Can we even do so anymore? We as people, ourselves included, really need to put less emphasis on employment as our defining factors and also as our life’s work, but we also need to make life and dreams something that can be attained. Yes I know that sounds counter intuitive, but if you’ve ever thought, “I can’t do that because it’s too hard” because you know despite being capable you don’t have the money to compete, means that it isn’t a world with possibilities for all. It’s a world with possibilities for the highest bidder. And because of it – we’ve failed ourselves.

I’ve recently had one of the best weeks of my adult life, because I just stopped caring about the things we as adults tell ourselves we’re obligated to deal with. Yes, eventually I have to literally pay for it, but why do I have to carry the weight in the mean time? We stop ourselves from living with these silly self inflicted rules and we shouldn’t. We shouldn’t think there’s an adult handbook and know that no one really has any of the answers to success, some times in history its just easier to succeed by luck of the draw when it comes to age, race and socioeconomic status of mommy and daddy. Maybe its time we seriously think of flipping the script on these companies. Maybe as individuals we’re the ones that need HR departments and people that are consistently looking out for our best interests and devoting their time and efforts to making the lives of individuals the best it can be rather than the individuals doing the work to make the companies succeed. Idk where I’m going with this, but I feel like something has to give and I still have no idea which way is the way I should go, but at least now I feel better writing it all out.

And its best to note that – I haven’t failed because I’m not a millionare 20something with their own company and a trust fun. I haven’t failed because of personal short comings. And neither have you, despite what some idiots out there might tell you, honestly that’s not how any of this works. I might not have what I want in life yet, but I’m the only one who knows what I want or what I might want, so I’m the only one who might possibly know what it will take for me personally to get there. Maybe I’m full of shit. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just crazy enough to figure out how to make all of this work and someday I won’t be sitting here thinking “wtf man” in a where do I go from here downer kinda way and I will be sitting here thinking, “wtf man” in a I can’t believe I did it sort of way. Who knows?

If you’ve been in a similar place or have any clue about what I’m speaking of, please add your thoughts below. I’m curious to know if anyone has any ideas I can play with or if we could just talk and lend an ear to each other for perspective. Who knows we might be able to change our worlds. And change is entirely the point.

 

 

Guess who’s back, back again – I think?

So my last computer died and I finally got a new one up and running. Woohoo to no more technical difficulties. Life difficulties however are a little different.

The end of my NY trip was insane to say the least. Nightmares every night, a lot of emotional crazy and far too much frustration. I ended up having to stay another two days because of an American Airlines screw up. Despite trying to get on 8 different planes and over 48 hours later I finally got to LA only to have to hunt down my bags in hopes of finding my stuff. Moral of the story don’t ever fly American Airlines if you can help it. This was the worst travel experiences I’ve ever had.

I’m ready for 2018 idk about the rest of you. This last year has royally kicked my ass and it needs to go away. I’m pretty much in the same place I was last year in the sense that I really want to travel the world and see what it holds for me. I keep trying to find a job that allows me to actually have financial stability. It blows my mind how the things I’m thinking I want generally fall under basic needs but I can’t seem to get them.

I actually don’t feel lost for the first time in a long time, yet I don’t have a heading, nor do I know what might even remotely come next. I initially started at the beginning of my story in hopes of figuring out some things I hadn’t before, but I’m so sick of the past, I left it in the sophomore year of high school and as I approach my 30th birthday in a little more than a month I feel like I want to focus on the future. We’ll see what the future brings.

It’s time to start over again and just keep an open mind. It’s time to leave the crap behind. No longer to be defined by it, but let it stay behind you. Through all of this and some of the NY trip made me realize how easily we define ourselves because of so few events and how silly it is to do that at all. I’ve done everything in life I’ve wanted to do except get married, have a family, create my own business and do some more traveling.

Those things I have a lifetime to accomplish and I’m not looking to do them all tomorrow. I’ve done a lot of things I never thought I’d do, but I really need to live a little more. I need and want to live. I don’t like the box I’m stuck in and I really hate the way people can’t coexist in this country. I really hate the rat race we’re all running with no one winning. It is far past time I do something to live differently.

Stop being assholes. Damn.

I interrupt your regular scheduled scrolling to bring you a lesson on decency.

I started off this week in LA trying to dodge fires and now I’m in NY trying to dodge snowstorms. I’m in town for 10 days and in less than 48 hours of being here I’ve already been put in a position that I should never have been in, having a freak out about my personal looks and pretty much being told not to have feelings (as per usual), having somewhat of an identity crisis because of the combination of the two and being blamed by “friends” here that I never make time for them when I come into town.

Okay first of all… people get to feel what they feel. No questions. No disagreements. End of fucking story. You don’t have to understand. You don’t have to fix it or them. And you don’t get to take it the fuck away from them.

Second, I went to get my hair done by a woman who’s been doing my hair my entire life. She fucked up twice and I not only hate how I look, but my hair is literally half of what it was and is still falling out. I had to revert back to a look I never wanted and its making me freak out on more than one level because it wasn’t planned, thought of and it’s getting worse and will probably be worse than better for who knows how long.

I hate how I look 8/10 times as it is. This really isn’t making it any better. In fact I don’t even want to look at myself at all because of this shit. I look in the mirror now and I don’t see me. I don’t see the person I feel like, or that I want to be. And look, I’m not trans, I’m not gay, I’m not questioning any social gender norms, but not feeling like I’m me, not knowing who I am, not getting to feel how I feel or even being able to be upset about any of it… isn’t acceptable whether I’m questioning gender, sexuality or anything else. It just isn’t acceptable period. I mean fuck.

Third, I’m the one coming into town for a short while. I’m coming for a holiday, which means time spent with family and plans being set before I even get into town. Also means, a limited time to spend with friends. However, I’m in town for a total of 12 days including the day I flew in and the day I fly out. So having more time than normal, I reached out to people to make sure they knew I was coming and tried to make plans.

Look – anyone who doesn’t live somewhere and is coming to visit should take precedent in terms of hang out time if you actually want to see that person. I don’t mean blow off your family or job or anything, but it is your responsibility to make time in your schedule for someone who isn’t always there – NOT the other way around. I gave you the heads up, we talked about it. I told you I wanted to see you, we agreed we’d do something but weren’t sure yet… you DO NOT – I REPEAT – DO NOT get to blame me for “not making time for you” if I tell you when we can do something you make plans with me and then blow me off. You DO NOT get to blame me for  not making time for you, when I’m not coming into town FOR YOU.

If you know a person’s time is limited, why the fuck would you make them go around you? I understand being busy and having other things planned, but blaming the person who doesn’t live there isn’t acceptable.

Lastly, I left NY a person I hated being. A person I didn’t love or care about and someone who was more than jaded by the reality that surrounded me. Its been three years and a lot of hurt, pain and struggle, but I’m not that person. Do I question my life in LA? Of course I do. Are there days I want to run screaming from there? Of course I do. Are there days I just want to hide in my house and never leave? Or course there are. That’s part of fucking life. Bad days happen. You get to feel how you feel. Shit happens, it is okay. You work to make it okay. You work to be okay.

I’ve been trying and working to be okay for far to fucking long for the people that used to treat me like shit that considered themselves my friends to pull my back into the bullshit of a life I no longer live. They don’t get to make me be a person I hated being and a person I no longer am. They don’t get to remind me of the past, tell me what my exes are doing, who they’re marrying or getting pregnant, whether I’m fat, skinny, or in between or back me into a corner and put their expectations on me. IT IS NOT OKAY!

People grow and change. Times shift. People move away. It is not all peaches and cream, but it doesn’t have to gruel either. I usually freak out at some point when I come into town but its usually at least 5 days in. This was less than 48 hours…

All I’ve learned is not only am I not allowed to have feelings, be who I am, be a mess, be pissed off, want to like how I look, not be reminded of a past life with a person I’m no longer with or do things differently for myself, but I’m not allowed to be here without having a mental breakdown.

Learn how to be kind to people I beg you. Learn how to accept people as they are, not the fantasy version of them that you’ve made up. If someone is coming into town, respect their time and make time for them if you want to see them, don’t make them fight and work for it on your terms. If someone hasn’t lived in town for years, but you still keep in touch and you know they don’t want to be around certain people – do not make them. Stop putting your so called friends in harms way just because you can. Unless you’re going skydiving and you both made the choice to do it, just fucking stop hurting your friends at your personal expense. Lastly, learn how to be kind to yourself because you deserve it and we all do. Sometimes things don’t ever work the way they should and sometimes luck fucking sucks. I think I’m hitting my all time high of the usage of the word fuck, but I’m going to say it one more time: Fuck. Seriously though, fuck man… be nicer to people. Be nicer to yourself. Its okay to change the game you used to play if it doesn’t suit you. It doesn’t make it easier, but if it gives you piece of mind, self love and respect and a general feeling of contentment, why the fuck would you let anyone else take that away from you?! “Seriously though… fuck,” she said in an exasperated tone, learn not only how to be kind and decent to others, learn how to be that person to yourself because your life depends on it sometimes.

Okay, carry on.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Giving it one more shot

I’ve had more than enough mental breakdowns in the last week and I’m really ready to uproot my life again. I’ve done a few challenges with myself and I think I need to just take a break for now. Maybe I’ll write and just throw some stories out there.

I’ve been in a tailspin and I’m typically way more creative from that point so we’ll see what comes of it.

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m not. I’m not okay.  I haven’t been in a long time. Despite trying and faking it and trying to make it work. I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time in the last 6 months, but I’ve also been ping ponging off the walls if you will. I had hoped I had put a lot of this behind me but the struggles seem to keep coming my way.

I’m making some changes and decided to move in the next month because my environment needs a shift. I’m just moving within LA, but I need to try something before I reinvent the wheel entirely. Giving it one last go and hoping it all works out.

If this next year doesn’t involve some major changes, life is going to hold many many a change for me. I think if LA doesn’t work a transatlantic shift is occurring. Come hell or high water something needs to work.

I’m hopeful that this works. I’m hopeful that this is going to mark another new chapter for me because I can’t keep hanging out in between books of life… I need to make a whole new book. It’s time to truly leave the last few years here behind.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am hoping to keep treating each day as a new day. I need to infuse some more pleasure and fun into my life despite not being able to walk well at the moment. I need an infusion of joy and excitement. Maybe I’m trying too hard, but something has to give man… right?

Fuck I hope so.

Los Angeles Chronicles: The Result of a Dream Achieved – More Questions

So now what? I’ve been here for almost 2 years. I work in the field of my choice. I have a job that is somewhat related to what I went to school for. I’m paying my bills and saving a little. I’ve learned more about myself and the ways in which I define me. I’ve set goals and made progress. I’ve been trying and doing. I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere even though I know that’s not true. I have a few more long term goals I never thought of in the past that my adult self actually wants. And I’m trying to get to accomplishing them, but time and money will tell.  Gotta take one step at a time and I’m doing that. So… what’s the problem? Clearly it’s me. Ha.

Now that I’ve achieved this dream and got to keep it, despite almost losing it, I almost don’t want it anymore. I figured out that the problem becomes I no longer see what’s in it for me anymore. And when you’re talking about life and your decisions that isn’t exactly the place you want to be. Bored and going through the motions isn’t a good place. This may change from day to day, but overall if you’re not happy you need to do something different. So, what comes next?

Do I take another risk? Being more secure in my own self… I want to make another rash decision. Very much like the last one I made to get here. They say that like any addiction, feelings of being alive also take more and more to achieve. And I most definitely want to feel alive. And despite knowing what I know… I can’t help the feeling of this still isn’t quite right. Do I wait it out or do I do something else; the decision I’m forcing myself to make. But why?

Did doing it and realizing that everything is temporary change life as I knew it? Yeah it did, how could it not? I know I’m not good at letting go because I either love or I don’t. I either do or I don’t. As much as I recognize that the grey exists, a lot of life is cut and dry. I’ve learned and figured things out along the way and I would not take anything I’ve achieved in the last 2 years back, but what’s left for me here? I still have an untethered lifestyle here. If I left here tomorrow it really wouldn’t matter. Am I just making this harder for myself or is there truth in it? Or is it both?

I keep asking myself these questions. On the quest to figure myself out these have been some of my problems. I don’t think anyone really has the answers, but being someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk, and realizing that all is in fact temporary, where do I go from here?

Do I take another? Do I stand still here hoping and trying to work things out that I feel I need? I think I’m going to challenge myself to that actually. I’m giving myself 90 days from today to figure out what I want to do. If I don’t put work into it, I stay. If I do put work into it, I’ll know what comes next.

With the attempt at finding yourself and knowing how you tick I think you have to ask 30 years worth of questions and still surrender yourself to the reality of feelings. I say what the fuck am I doing ten times a day to myself. I spent all day “at work” not working because I have nothing to do after asking for more work. Maybe I have commitment issues… well shit reverse that – I know I have commitment issues but not usually in this way.  I know this isn’t my ending. But is it the lull in the middle or was it the descent of an ending chapter?

Am I about to enter another new book of life? Honestly I think I am. This time I’m just not waiting to see what happens, I’m actively participating in my own life.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Ever Finding Myself

I think I’ve been at war with myself since I was 14. I’ve finally learned and come to the realization that I don’t have to be. What a concept right?

Leaving my hometown this last time and taking the ultimate risk of pursuing a dream I wanted since I was 10, and it was a big deal for me. I’ve spent the summer attempting to hold on to it so tight for fear of losing it, I almost forgot why I wanted it in the first place. It was a dream, a fantasy, something as an adult I never thought I’d have and now I do – because I actually took the chance. Not only did I make it here, I get to stay. Not only do I get to stay but I get to work in the industry I was hoping to become a part of as an eager 10 year old. While it may not be my dream job, I’m a lot farther ahead than I ever thought I would actually be. And yet still so far behind – but semantics.

Over the last year and a half or so I’ve become an entirely different person. One I also never thought I’d be (in a lot of both good and bad ways). I’ve let a lot of the hurt and pain from the past go – to the point where it no longer has anything to do with defining me. I’ve learned to be okay in the present, mentally and emotionally; while at the same time accepting that I am a certain way when it comes to things and ya know what  – that’s okay. Hell it’s more than okay.

I let myself be myself. I let myself figure out who – me – is. I get to define and figure out all the details based on anything I want because I can. It may not be as simple as just letting go or just doing it, surely for me it’s been a process and one that still inherently kicks my ass every so often, but I think that’s part of being a human. And if none of that makes sense to you, then honestly – good for you. But my life and my head and my world have been a mess for far longer than I ever realized they could be and in a lot of ways I did it to myself.

We as people are the worst to ourselves. Our own inner monologue ruins half of the things we could do with life because we don’t believe we’re capable. Or on the other side we’re so flattened with fears of letting go of what we have, we don’t seek that which we say we want. Or on even another side we’re so hellbent that we’re the best, we bring out that self deprecating hero flaw – ego. Either way, we’re cheating ourselves. Personally I’ve elected to try to stop.

I have goals and dreams and other things I’d like to take on in my life in the present and the future, but when you recognize that everything is temporary and everything is a flux of in progress living… you realize that things like anxiety and depression aren’t necessarily a way to live and that you won’t have to do it forever. You just have to do something else. And keep trying something else until something works.

I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, PTSD and chemical imbalances. Yet I’ve had moments of life where I’ve felt so alive and so happy. I know those things exist for me. Whether I get down because I can’t be insanely incandescently happy all the time or I just have a bad day or I feel like the world is crashing around me, I know I have a choice to do something new or different tomorrow or even later today. Sometimes I make the attempt to change but no matter what I do I’m stuck on repeat. Maybe I need more practice or maybe I’m too much of a theatre kid and I’m just being dramatic. The thing is my reality is my own as is yours.

I’m not asking those that are in pain to just think happy thoughts. It’s not that simple and believe me I get it. But you get but one life and you only get to live it one direction when it comes to time. Time moves forward whether you’re ready or not. It can hold you back or propel you forward. Being kind to yourself and allowing yourself even a chance at a dream is worth it. Taking a risk in hopes of flying is worth it. If you hate the decision you made then after two weeks go back home. But I assure you “back” does not exist.

All you can do is keep going. If you’re stuck.. keep pushing back. If you’re flailing keep flapping maybe you’ll fly. Honestly, this is more advice to myself when I’ve had enough but this is not the end. You might as well take the risk and spend your life and your time in the way you absolutely want. And just because you want it today, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind tomorrow. Collect the experiences and hope that most of them are good ones. You’re never going to fully define who you are because you are constantly growing. Instead of trying to box yourself in, learn to build a house. Add more boxes to the pile and see where life takes you.

 

 

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: Struggle is my middle name

I’ve never been a typical anything in life. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum and I’ve always seemed to be outside the proverbial box. I love with all I have and I have been broken hearted more than once. I fight because that’s how I know how to react. I keep going when I have no idea what I’m doing because I don’t know how to stand still. I’ve been a dreamer most of my life, I’ve been a cynic and a realist, and I’ve been an idealist. We all grow and change, but we get to decide what we want, who we want to be and where we want to go.

I’m from some hick ass little town in the middle of New York State. I currently live in Los Angeles, CA. I went from barely playing the game of life to playing in the major leagues. I wasn’t ready to play, but they put me in anyway. As soon as I was getting the hang of it, I got pulled out and benched and have been reeling ever since.

I’ve grown a lot in the last few months. I’ve dealt with losses I never thought I’d have to deal with and feelings and emotional spectrums I didn’t know existed. I’ve fought depression most of my life and I’ve learned how to cope and how to hide. Tie in anxiety issues every so often and there’s the middle half of my 20s. We’re all fighting our internal struggle, but what do we do when we’re not longer struggling inside, but both inside and out? What do we do when we no longer live in the past, or let the past define us but the future is so uncertain that we’re paralyzed on the spot?

Los Angeles is another city of dreamers. Everyone is trying to make it as someone here. Whether you’re from here or not, you’re still playing the proverbial game. I love LA. I am happy to live here and I’m happy to be able to play, but lately my ass has been kicked so hard I’m questioning everything I know. Down to the major question, why am I still here? What am I doing here? And at the same time I have no where else I really and truly want to go.

I’ve been reading and searching for answers within and without. I’ve been trying to move forward when the only reason I’ve survived is because my parents decided to really and truly help me for the first time. That in itself was something I never thought I’d have and that in itself was worth the hurt and struggle it took me to get here. Unfortunately, the efforts of others is not entirely enough.

We all get one life. We all have our personal struggles. We all need each other at some point to be there to help us when we’re down. I feel like my posts don’t even have a point anymore, but they allow me to let out the crap in my mind and potentially share it for the two people reading this (cheers to you guys).

We all want a voice in our own lives. We all struggle and wonder why. We all endure hurt and pain, love and happiness, boredom and indifference, the list goes on. As I sit here in my most loneliest state, I wonder what the fuck I’m doing constantly. I think I ask myself that daily in various forms. And honestly I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’m struggling just to struggle and I don’t see the point in that. I’m reminded of a Bob Newhart skit that would tell me just to “stop it,” and honestly wish I could.

We are all meant to thrive in this world. We are all meant to build and grow and change and love. We are meant to learn the differences between love and indifference. Pain and pleasure. Happiness or contentment from boredom. I truly believe we’re all supposed to enjoy this journey that is life. I truly believe life is simply hard because half the time we have to admit to ourselves what it is we actually want. And the struggle comes from having to relearn how to exist in a way you’ve never done so before, until now. Maybe I dream of a life without depression. Maybe I dream of a life filled with love. Maybe I have no idea what it is that will make me happy anymore or make me happy consistently because I’ve been lost in the dark longer than I was ever in the light.

I have no answers for anyone anymore. I seek my truth and my hope and my love. I have no idea what it means, I have no idea what I want anymore and I have no freaking clue how to get it. If you don’t know where you’re going it doesn’t matter which path you take. But unlike Alice, this isn’t a dream I can wake up from, this is a dream I have to create. So what comes next? I still have no freaking clue, but I have to keep going. I have to.