For those of you that have been reading along I started a 21 day challenge. I only ended up writing for the first week, but continued to day 10 before I switched gears. The switching of the gears came because I packed up and moved, ironically right as my 21 days had been up. I’m now settled into my new place, with a new roommate and with the beginning of a new month I’m starting again. Day 1. Choosing to be happy, choosing to have fun, choosing to take care of myself.
I’ve been spending a lot of money because of the move and that makes me anxious, but honestly it really is all working out. I bought all the things I wanted and spent less than I thought I would, which never happens and this time it did – I’ll take it. Haven’t gotten the stimulus but its on its way. Unemployment stopped my claim and I don’t know if it will continue. I’ve been applying for jobs, but honestly the more I do that the more I feel resistant to it all. I don’t want to fight myself. I don’t even want to try that hard anymore. I’ve applied to so many thousands of jobs in the past and it just isn’t worth it. It really is time I start my own business. 11:11 hits as I look up from my laptop screen – okay universe I’m paying attention lol.
So here goes – the boxes I was using before were: • dance • take a walk, • doing my Italian lessons • sing • try one new thing a day (could be as little as a new recipe or new place to eat, could be as big as researching a new business endeavor and starting it) – the point of this is to play and do fun things on purpose • stretch • write
So today I start again at day 1, thankful to be moved into my new place, happy to be settled in, now I get to enjoy the benefits. I’m going to start today officially right now with a song and dance and I’m going to take the next 21 days and choose to be happy, check the boxes and make progress on my:
1. overall health (mind and body) with focus on consistency
2. lifestyle and overall wellbeing
3. financial security and cashflow by means of a business of some kind that allows me freedom of creative expression
The above are my initial goals. I’m not starting from scratch by any means, but I am starting a new trend for myself. Here we go, changing my life and my self one day at a time.
Today we’re blooming for the sake of it haha I may come back and write more later, but we’ll see. ✌️
I’m finding it hard to come up with things to write about on a daily basis because honestly I’m just feeling so good and that is such a contrast to what I’m used to – and it’s wonderful. It’s also a weird time where I’m doing 7 things on a daily basis (my checkboxes) one of which is doing something new daily and it can be as big or small as I want it to be. I’m changing my focus and it really has worked. It’s been a long time coming but I finally feel like things are really starting to work out.
I started today with a 3 hour zoom call with a Women’s Entrepreneurship group. Most of the things they were saying I already knew, but I had the ability to connect with each one of them and that makes a huge difference in my word. I also ended up having two more people reach out to me about doing websites for them, so I now have more money coming my way! All wonderful things! I took my walk. Sang and danced throughout my day and wrote an elevator pitch for my business.
Don’t get me wrong there are still things that rock my boat on a daily basis but I finally feel like I’m not stewing over them. They’re not adding to the pot of anger on my proverbial stove lol.
Before I was stuck in the grind. Working for someone I didn’t like. Someone I had zero respect for, who also wasn’t paying me enough (isn’t that typical), who didn’t understand what I was doing for his company despite me making him $30k a month among other things. Only to switch jobs and end up in another position in which I was working for someone who REALLY didn’t understand anything I was doing and literally told me to stop doing what I think I should do at work. Um – why did you hire me if you don’t want me to do what I think I should do? I wasn’t spending any of your money… wtf?! That woman laid me off at her mother’s funeral so I honestly just block her out. She goes in the list of wtf was that, never think about that again category lol.
For a while even when I wasn’t in the grind I was grinding. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what else to be. I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t feeling good. I wasn’t happy. Nothing about my life felt good on a daily basis. It all felt like lack. It all felt like crap. I can say right now that I feel better than I probably ever have consistently. I still have people message me that I don’t want to talk to, or rub me the wrong way with comments or whatever but for whatever reason I’m just not shaken by them. They go away, or I turn my attention away from my phone and it goes away.
I wish I had a formula for this because then I’d really know what I did to get here LOL. But honestly I’ve always done a few different things in life to escape or change my thoughts or enjoy. But I also lost a lot of those along the way. I’ve really evolved at this point at least in my own feelings. In the last six months I ditched facebook temporarily, chopped my hairI myself and its the first haircut I have actually every really loved, figured out what it really means and feels like to be me to myself, read a handful of books of all genres (I’m a sucker for a good adventure), changed my desktop background to rotate the pictures I’ve taken in Italy, watched a shit ton of youtube videos on raising your vibration, changing thoughts, neurobiology, psychology, and random other -ologies lol.
Honestly I feel like this has been years in the making. Little shifts and turns along the way. Sometimes big shifts and turns. Breaking the habit of being myself (that’s one of the books lol), really learning what it means to be myself. Not defined by my job, not defined by anything I don’t want to be. I finally got to the point where I could do something like this and actually feel the difference. I’m so much more easily appreciative. So much more grateful. It’s really so much easier to get to these places. I never had that before. I never thought I could because I just wasn’t in that space. All of those things came at a cost of feeling so unlike myself and how I was in that moment. I had no idea how to even let myself be happy consistently. I only ever felt those things on vacation or in another country. I literally had to change everything to feel anything different. I mean I still think the US is fucked and plan on living in Europe at some point, but at least right this second I am enjoying my SoCal Dreamland.
I’m going to leave it there on this Saturday night. If the few of you who keep reading have questions or want to strike up a conversation, or want me to write about anything in particular let me know. I’ll pivot! lol… now I need to go watch Friends. Here’s to making changes that make a difference for the better in our lives!
P.S. Gonna leave the photos at the end because this landscape literally is where the sidewalk ends. LOL End of the first week. Two more to go.
I’m going to keep this short and sweet. I am very glad that I started doing this and I have definitely felt different because of the things I’ve done this week. I’ve been in a better mood all the way around. I’ve made some moves in areas I’ve been trying to make changes in for months – cough – moving. I find that I really like “making” myself take a picture each day but I think I’m going to just be more cognizant of the things I do moving forward. I have happier days on days I take pictures. I love flowers and need more around lol. Music still very much plays a huge role in my life and I need to actively play certain music to feel the difference. And honestly walking daily feels like less of a chore and more of something I miss when I don’t. The day it rained all day I didn’t go but I missed it. That’s also a good sign.
Changing my head has been a long time coming and honestly I think it’s been in the works since 2016. Sometimes I get in my own way. Sometimes I get out of my way. But this time I’m making new paths and feeling new things. At one point I was walking down the street and saw a dandelion and even though I always make a wish on those, I didn’t today. For the first time ever I felt like in that moment I had everything I needed and I was happy about it. At that point I had no wish. I had nothing to ask for…. and as surprising as it was it was true. I look forward to so many more of those days ahead. Even if its only for a second. It’s worth it. So I’ll leave you there with one more tidbit – if you think I’m nuts – I might be, but at the end of the day, I’m happy and that’s the point right? If you could do something to change your daily feelings, your typical auto pilot to be on “feels happy” wouldn’t you?
Another good day. I checked all my boxes. Still in a decently good mood. Did have a little trouble getting out of bed this morning, but eh. I also made the mistake of watching the news. I find that the news has become a daily trainwreck and its especially gruesome and you can’t look away. I’ve been taking a news break and I must say that the minute I watch the news I want to leave this country by running screaming onto the first piece of transportation out… But as I was walking around my neighborhood this afternoon, all I could think was I love it here. This is a perfect day.
Things are already happening…I found a new place and am going to check it out tomorrow. It’s a place I’ve already looked at but its now $100 less and I’m going with my potential new roommate. Woo! I found out that I have up to two years to take the real estate exam so that makes me feel better when it comes to learning this crap – I’m taking my 21 days – well 16 now. I’m going to apply for a few jobs again because I have the best luck in the spring with job searching. I also think that if I keep in mind that the job is a means to an end and not the way of life forever I’ll be better than I ever have been. It also buys me time to study and get some sales going before I do anything else. Real Estate isn’t the goal, but it still makes the most sense. When I take a step back and stop my emotional roller coaster of anxiety and depression, I can really see how this works and the reasons I was doing it in the first place make so much more sense.
I am down to $3000 in credit card debt that I have the money for, but am paying the rest of this down strategically. Woo! I have more money in the bank than I ever have. If I take that apartment I’m about to pay the cheapest amount I’ve paid in LA in the last 5 years for rent and utilities. As much as this year has been crazy and full of insanity…. I’ve needed the last year. I really didn’t know how much I needed it. I’m getting out of my own way. I’m changing myself as a person and I actually have the room to do it. I’m taking better care of myself and actually eating 3 meals a day. I’m walking around 3 miles or more a day and stretching like I used to for dance. I’m consistently happier than I’ve ever been because I have the space to actually breathe and I have control over my time. I’m not trying to be busy anymore. Being busy is just a distraction that makes you think you’re being productive and that isn’t always the case.
This is now going to turn into 5 things that have changed since losing my job this last time… here we go.
1 – I’m trying to lose weight and get into shape again but my focus is on consistency. I’ve already lost 15lbs and I’m working towards more. I always used to be more active and I danced 6 days a week and I still wasn’t skinny. I’m not built that way, but I can and have certainly been happy in my body. That is my goal.
2 – I’ve realized how much pressure I put on myself to do certain things and keep myself in a spiral of guilt and shame. I am not listening to peoples’ criticisms or comments without merit or judgements and taking any stock in them. I’m allowing myself to figure out who I am now, who I want to be moving forward and what that not only looks like but feels like. And anyone who gets in the way or doesn’t understand need not stick around. I spent a lot of time getting rid of the people that hurt me over the years and kept doing so, no one’s raining on my parade moving forward. That’s not to say it won’t happen again but not in the same way. So for the first time in what feels like forever I’m taking the pressure off myself to be in the rat race, or on the hamster wheel… I’m taking the pressure of busy-ness and success in terms of over achievement. For the first time in my life this over achiever I taking a fucking break. The goal is fun not flail. The goal is to feel good and have the faith that you’re competent and capable and will get the things you need because the things you were doing before weren’t working anyway… time to try something new.
3 – I’ve paid off a lot of debt. Because I never had a lapse in losing my job and collecting unemployment I’ve actually been able to play catch up for the years that I spent moving back and forth and being unemployed prior… and you know trying to live before that. Consistency all around has allowed me to break even when it comes to paying for everything but my student loans. I still owe far too much there. But so much progress has been made for myself not only financially but with my parents too because I borrowed $5k to pay off the rest of the debt, with promise to pay them back and this is the first time I legit asked for what I wanted and needed and was given it without hesitation. Trust has not entered back into the equation with my parents and that’s a wonderful thing.
4 – I realize how much I need a hobby, to learn, to play and to actually have fun. Fun that doesn’t involve a laptop or a television…. Music has been a huge game changer for me throughout my life and I love to sing and dance. I’ve played a few instruments over the years but I’m hoping to learn guitar (again) and actually have some outlets that move me emotionally. I’ve also been creating more art than I have in years. For people, selling it, for fun, for gifts, etc. I made David Bowie wine glasses. I made Harry Potter Crest wine glasses. I painted the crests onto canvasses and was paid for it. I am drawing and painting again and am surprising myself how much better my skills are right now than I remember them being lol. I still have a ways to go for myself, but it’s a good feeling.
5 – Despite all my issues and all the crap that I’ve been through, none of those things define me if I say that they don’t. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m no longer being defined by my past – at the very least to myself. With that came the opportunity to explore and shift to be who I actually feel like I am and to realize how much weight I was putting on the events that I felt shaped x amount of years in my life. Time is a funny thing… that’s really all we have and as much as life isn’t linear, time is. I was choosing to define who I was as a person, how I felt about myself and where I thought I needed to prove myself to not only me but everyone else because of learned and conditioned responses. That wasn’t who I felt I was, and the wasn’t who I wanted to be. I know that because every time I had my own feelings they clashed with what was in my head – my reactions. The judgement I held for myself was very much the wrong thing to do. But now I actually feel that way.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the answers to the questions I have in my life and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to achieve things. Like I said at the beginning of this – right now I want to be in the present and just enjoy, but this was years in the making to get to this point. I’m so fucking grateful that I have, but I still have some walking on that journey to do. The difference? I’m going to enjoy the walk this time and not just force myself to get to the destination. I’m going to try new things and enjoy the faltering and the success before I jump into the next thing head first because I deserve to enjoy my life. And so do you. I’m going to end this on a cheesy note and say – take the advice today is literally giving you and March 4th.
So today was a cold and rainy day in Southern California. It was in the 50s and is now in the 40s. That hasn’t happened that much since I’ve lived here until this last year. This past winter has been so much colder than I ever remember it being here in the 5 years prior. On another note- I crossed everything off my list except going out for a walk because on this cold and rainy day, I grabbed a blanket and a hot chocolate and watched Netflix and worked on my paintings. Today I’m going to talk about 4 things I’m grateful for to keep my happiness flowing.
1 – I’m grateful for – My cousin Fran. I actually got to see her and talk to her a lot more in the last few days and its been wonderful. She was basically my best friend here before I went back to NY for a few months and when I came back we only had about a month before everything got shut down again. So happiness and gratitude lie in having some Chinese food with your cousin lol. Granted this involves great conversations, an appreciation for each other and understanding that goes without saying.
2 – I’m grateful for – Having the house to myself during the day. I know I said I need to move – and I’m working on that as we speak, but now that the other girl moved out and there’s only two of us for the next couple days I feel like I can breathe. I like being alone and actually being alone. I don’t like being alone when there’s someone else around and it doesn’t feel like I’m alone lol. So I’m enjoying having freedom to just be in any room I feel like being in lol.
3 – I’m grateful for – Being able to sing, dance and make art. Despite losing my job during all this, I’m so happy and grateful to actually take some time to pause and create some art in ways I feel like I haven’t played with since I was a kid. I’m remembering how much I really like this and how easily it does come to me. For whatever reason as I’ve gotten older I just seem to let this go and I really shouldn’t. I should hone it more and use it to my advantage – more happiness – more gratitude.
4 – I’mg grateful for – I’ve realized how much crap I was keeping myself sifting through by thinking ahead and constantly taking stock of everything going on. There’s no reason to do this. I really don’t know who thought this was a good idea but they were mistaken LOL. We run this rat race and we never just stop and breathe and enjoy the things in this moment. We work hard to achieve dreams and never really revel in them before moving on to the next thing. We deserve to revel. We deserve to revel a lot. High School, College, Jobs, LIFE, yeah all caps. Those are things people get through all the time but treat it like a 6th grade graduation — no one really knows why we have one but we do it and its fun. Let’s enjoy the fun. Let’s enjoy the moment. I’m so grateful not to be in the rat race. I’m so grateful to have lost my job this last year. I’m so grateful that I actually have time to figure out what comes next and how I even want to proceed.
Covid sucks in so many ways and I won’t deny any of that. But I still think that we need to stop acting like any of this is normal because NONE of this is normal. It isn’t supposed to be normal. Daily life isn’t sustainable like this in the US. We shouldn’t be doing this to ourselves. Mother Nature is literally giving us an out and we’re not taking it. WHY?! It’s in front of us, fucking take it! Reach out and take the break. Take the pause. Take a breather. Idk – take a nap – something. The world out there is not going business as usual and we shouldn’t be either. I’m taking 21 days to help myself feel happier, live more actively, be better to my body and mind and change how I approach any or all of this so called life.
So as I write this with what’s left of yesterday’s makeup on my face, unbrushed hair and my PJs on, I’m enjoying myself. It’s that simple. Today was another good day. I enjoyed doing nothing but enjoying myself. Also — I’ve been watching Stanley Tucci’s show Searching for Italy and its making me dream even more about moving to Italy so now I might have to do that when the world opens up. Another day another dream, today I’m focused on being the best I can be to myself and that is enough.
I’ve been sitting on these things for a while now, but honestly I need to take care of them. I’ve realized that I can be happy and in a good mood despite bad things happening, but as much as that’s a given, that hasn’t been my typical focus. I’m hoping to make it so, however a few things need to change for that to happen.
#1 – I need to move. I’m living in a house with two other people and one of the people moved out. Now my landlord who raised rent during a pandemic because she wants more of a profit (it’s a house not an apartment and we pay the utilities and such), decided she wants to put four people in this house. While there are that many bedrooms there are only 2.5 bathrooms so that would mean I have to share a bathroom with two others. Top it off with the fact that she wants to move a 60+ year old guy into one of the rooms and who knows who else. Not really okay with that. And my other roommate keeps saying condescending shit. So despite the fact that I’ve been looking for a place since December, I need to pull that trigger. No more time to waste.
#2 I do like this 21 day thing and it does feel attainable. I do however need to learn more things and have more fun while I still can’t really go anywhere. I feel like I spend far too much time on my phone, computer and watching TV so I really need to feel like I’m using my time better or at the very least having more fun lol. A technology detox needs to happen.
#3 I’ve been on a kick of changing my own thinking, but I’ve also been on a kick of actually being and allowing myself to be exactly who I am – even to myself. And for anyone who tends to fit into the roles that people need or is actually all of those things and bends a little too much for others, you know what I mean. I didn’t realize how much I was doing things and playing by other peoples’ rules. I mean I had that revelation last year that I was playing by rules my parents gave me, but they meant well with some of them.
I have to let go of the things that are no longer serving me. Number one is living in a place I don’t feel like I can actually be myself – without judgment or repercussions- and right now that isn’t the case (hence #1). I’m glad to be growing. I’m glad to be exploring, but I also need to let myself live in the possibilities rather than the fear. I need to enjoy that the sun is shining and I can go sit in a park somewhere and not pair it with because I hate being home when someone else is… I must say that with my other roommate gone I have privacy and alone time and actually feel at ease in this house. I think that’s part of why I’m in such a good mood. That is changing as of this weekend so I need to go before the aggravation turns to fear because of one more thing I don’t have in my life or one more thing that feels like its going wrong… Stopping myself there before I feed that monster more.
Backtracking in another way for context — Since I moved out to California in 2016 I was always terrified of having to go back to upstate NY. Not as much when I got my job, but so much more when I lost my job. I switched jobs after the first year only to lose that job in 6 months. I was unemployed for a few months after that but wasn’t sure if I was going to have to leave. I spent a year in that next job and I literally fell on my face and broke my foot and ankle. I used that time to find another job when my boss decided to treat me like crap because I couldn’t get to work… especially when we were already allowed to work remotely. I kept both jobs temporarily in hopes of getting ahead, but my health took a turn. I quit the new job the same day the old one replaced me. – Bad luck I must admit. I definitely made decisions in there that contributed to any and all of that but blame isn’t the point. However, the fear during that time was insane. I spent another 6 months trying to walk right again. I was in PT and the whole 9 yards. I was paying for health insurance out of pocket because my previous job offered a stipend towards healthcare instead of offering plans. I applied for thousands of jobs and couldn’t land one. I went on more interviews than I ever have and it came down to me and one other person more than a handful of times. But I was so fucking afraid I was going to have to leave, I’m surprised I was even interviewed a second time in the first place. I was definitely not okay and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t hiding it well lol. This was in 2019. I had made it 3 years, job changes, raises, promotions, better life than I was living in some ways but not others. Just messy all the way around. I felt like I was always flailing and never actually enjoying any part of my life – the life and dream I allowed myself to chase in the first place. The dream of living in LA, the dream of working in creative departments and everything else. I felt like it was going to slip through my fingers at any moment and honestly I had every reason to believe that but I shouldn’t have to force myself to feel that everyday. I should get to enjoy today. Somewhere throughout our history we forgot that little tidbit. You know the one — where you’re working towards something and you actually let yourself have it before you move on to the next thing and are so caught up in the crap that you don’t realize you have it or even that its enough?! You know the moment that you feel like you’re never enough, but the things you have are also not… yeah I’m putting an end to that. I am enough. I’m more than enough. I’m more than more than enough most of the time even LOL.
I find it funny how we graduate from high school, but somehow always end up back in the teenage mentality when things start to take a turn in our lives. Everything gets so dire and urgent. The world feels like its coming to an end. But in reality all we have is time. Maybe that’s a millennial thing but I’m pretty sure I have PTSD from more than a few things and I’m sure the depression, anxiety and cost of avocado toast is holding me back. I’m kidding, sort of.
That’s the whole internal reasoning I have for doing this 21 days. I’m trying to shift. I am shifting. I’m trying to let myself have some breathing room. I’m letting myself have some breathing room and I’m enjoying what I’m in rather than being afraid of what’s to come.
You know when they ask what’s your worst nightmare and follow it up with it probably isn’t that bad? Well I’ve lived my worst nightmare and its worse than I think it is. To the point where I tend to block it out and then go back to live it and remember how insane the whole mess of everything is there. I know that it isn’t a good place for me. I know I don’t want to be there. So if it comes to me having to go back there, I’ll fucking deal with that then. I’m living today. Or at the very least with this month and this month only in mind, for now. I’m not saying I won’t make long term plans or save for a rainy day. I’m saying I won’t use what could possibly happen six months from now effect me today and every day until then…. so that when I finally get to that point that it isn’t already true because I got in my own way… make sense?
Like I said, I’m trying to embrace the life I’m living with the possibilities I have, rather than screw myself into a downward spiral and have to dig myself back out of the shit again. I’ve been happy today as I checked off my boxes. I spent some time with my cousin too, so that was wonderful. I walked and sang and danced and enjoyed yet another beautiful day. SoCal is amazing like that. I made a point of taking a few pictures and I actually wore some eyeliner for the first time in a while lol. I must say that I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow and I have nothing to do, but check off my boxes and cook for myself. I guess even though I’m 3 days in I’m doing something right.
I’m back. Here we go again lol. It’s been quite a year – well longer than that really. I used to write about depression, anxiety and my general dissatisfaction with life but I’m going to do something a little different this time.
It’s not often or ever that I post a picture of myself. But here goes. For the next 21 days 1 picture of myself and one picture of something I enjoyed that day. We’re rebuilding what it means to live and I’m going to document it in a shifted way because that’s where I am in life. I’m not the person I knew myself to be, I’m better and I feel better.
For the first time in what feels like my adult life I actually feel like myself. I’m not hiding from people. I’m not hiding from myself. I’ve been actually actively trying to change and its been months if not a full year coming. I think the last time I was writing in this I was on my way back to NY. I spent all of 6 months in NY before I ran back to LA. I got a job in January of 2020 — and yeah.. then covid happened.
And as much as I hate to fucking say it, covid didn’t change much about what my life was. I was staying in my house. I was lacking in every way. I feel like I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day and I’m waiting for Bill Murray to pop up and tell me I got that going for me so there’s that – yeah I know that’s Caddyshack, but I like that line the best. I lost my job again this past summer after being remote for about 10 weeks and absolutely losing my mind. But it took me all this time to realize that I need this time. I’ve been so burnt out doing the wrong things and flailing and still not getting what I want. It really is time to just let myself be happy and have fun and not give a damn.
This last week really stuck it to me in that sense — it made me realize I’m an adult with all the responsibilities and absolutely none of the control. And as She’s a Maniac plays in the background I’m tempted to let myself own it hahaha. Honestly though, fuck the control. I want to live and feel alive. I want to be happy. I want to feel so satisfied and deliciously full. I’ve been trying to wind myself up for so long and nothing ever works. Covid finally let me step off the hamster wheel that is living in the US and being in the rat race. I have zero intentions of going back to that wheel. I’ve been working on some business ideas and I have a few irons in the fire so they say. This is my life and as much as I feel like I’m getting a redo in life, that time is gone… so now I’m using my time differently. Last time I did the work, I did the scrambling and the suffering and the beating myself up. I did a lot of that this time around again, but I’m stopping myself mid spin out. We’re now successfully faking it until we make it in my neck of the woods. >deep breaths<
I’m happy today though. I’m satisfied today. I woke up at 9 without an alarm. Went to the store, got some stuff for a garden and did some planting of tomatoes, basil, parsley, and a handful of other things. I enjoyed leftovers for lunch. I danced and sang in my room when I was done. I worked on my Italian lessons, took a walk and I’m currently sitting here writing this at 4:15. It was last night around 3am that I decided I’m going to take the next 21 days and change my life. Actively change how I approach my days. Actively build my business. Actively play a role in my own existence instead of letting it live me. I’m going to feel alive. I’m going to feel happy. I’m going to feel satisfied. I’m getting out of my own way. I’m embracing the insanity within. I’m embracing myself without conditions. I’m loving myself without conditions. <– that last one is huge though.
All of that being said I have a few ideas of how I can start my business but seeing how I need to get people involved here goes that too — I want to start a school of sorts. One that equates to being what college should be but without the price tag. It will answer the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up” with “happiness” and allow you to figure out a way to actually get to that. I’m going to call it LIFE and it is going to include the following:
—Job shadowing program — that actually lets you test out jobs and learn on the job skills for a minimum of a month BEFORE you go to college or get certified.
—Skills Exchange Program and Hobby program — that lets you share with others, learn together or teach each other things of your choosing (for example, could be art, dance, gardening, design, Spanish, English, marketing, finance, etc). — AKA Personal and Professional Development as the point of just doing things you like and trying new things for the sake of it.
—Training program including an incubator — this allows you to bring ideas to the table, lets you learn different facets of product and service creation alongside mentors and helps you create a possible team of people to employ once finished. This would be done with other professionals who’ve already been in your shoes and can walk you and others through different pieces of what it means to create your idea. This could include teaching others financials, marketing, business plan development, sales, customer service, etc. If you’re a part of the training program you would be eligible to then work for this company that gets started.
Eventually I’d like to expand to immersion projects and programs that allow everyone to do these things abroad but share knowledge, customs, traditions and culture. — AKA the ultimate community center. The hope is that this would be in person, but as the world is closed, it would be started virtually so as to bring about what we’re gravely missing (at least I am), social interaction and some passion in your day to day lives.
I figure the only way I’m going to get to live the life that I want is to help others do the same and that’s where this came from. So if you want to join me — leave a comment and we’ll go from there.
1 day or Day 1 you decide — here we go day 1 of 21.
As the months dwindle away in contained covid quarters, I have to say one thing… Life needs to be more fucking fun. Can we just take a moment to recognize how big of a bitch 2020 is and has been and stop acting like anything about this is normal?!
Okay.
Carry on.
Seriously though. I’ve been thinking about writing again for a while now and I’ve had a handful of things going on that I was procrastinating on, but fuck man. Life needs to be more fun and we need to remember that all this is temporary. This isn’t a new way of living. Does it suck, yes. Are we depressed, more so than usual. Are we anxious, you bet your ass… but if we actually listened as a collective we might not be killing thousands of people a week. Novel concept right?
As someone who’s always been an emotionally deprived person (as in any time I expressed my emotions growing up my parents either ignored me or told me how they weren’t acceptable in some way shape or form), I sympathize with people who are having a hard time in all this and want you to know that you’re not alone… Things like isolation and quarantine for any length of time are at first enraging and then just numbness abounds (to the point where you don’t want to leave your bed… at least for me). But the one thing that I tend to do far more often than not it seems, is take stock of my life. This year has really thrown us some curveballs, but we can definitely use them to do better in the future – not trying to be fake positive.
Now in the last five years of my life I went from my worst, to my best, to worse than my worst to limbo. We’re now in limbo. I moved back to NY and only spent about six months there before I ran screaming in the opposite direction once again. Now of course when I got back to LA I had a job lined up, started, and what happened like 6 weeks later… that’s right lockdown. After another 10ish weeks of remote working and no end in sight – because Los Angeles… I was laid off. This is now the second time I’ve been unemployed in the last 3 years. The first was in 2018 but lasted until 2019 which caused my move back to NY and less than 6 months later jobless again. Suffice it to say this isn’t my first rodeo on the unemployment express and this time without a doubt blows harder than the last time. Hokay – moving on.
Despite the fact that this year has been a rather heinous bitch, I for the first time in a very long time, have the time to focus on myself. I gained a bunch of weight after a broken foot a while back and the emotional turmoil of a cross country move (well 2, technically 3). I’ve been losing that baggage slowly and surely. I’ve been applying to jobs again, which anyone who has had to do this in the last 5 years knows its a royal fucking pain in the ass because god forbid a human look at applications. You’re also most likely to get a rejection letter six months later from a job you never heard back from in the first place just to kick you in the nuts once again. I am in fact a woman and have no nuts, so I’m really just assuming here, but let’s just go with it. And I have had a lot of time to read and I don’t mean subtitles on Netflix shows, though there has been no shortage of Netflix and chilling alone.
Not only have I been reading more books, but I’ve been reading the things I used to write (online and off). I did a lot of soul searching when I lost my job in 2018, but ironically its the information that comes from 2017 when I was in my soul sucking job that I really pin pointed what it was that I want. Looking back on all of that makes me feel like I knew myself better than I thought and the issues I’m facing now aren’t new, but I have the chance to change the outcome by doing it again. Which in this case is a wonderful thing because I refuse to end up back in NY and hating myself.
So naturally like many others I’ve done the quarantine cut when it comes to my hair. I did not buzz it off, well not all of it lol. I have been trying to grow my hair back out since a hair dresser over processed it almost three years ago and it still looked like crap in my own eyes despite cutting the ends off about a month ago (and prior). So I took my hair into my own hands and holy fucking shit balls was it satisfying. I now have a bob with an undercut that basically goes up to my eyebrows. I can hide the buzzed parts with the hair over the top or I can show it off with a lil tiny pony tail that actually works for me. I must say though, I’ve chopped my hair before into a bob and I wasn’t a fan of it. I did the bob again because I needed something different but I took it a step further because I hated the shape of the cut (which was the problem before). After the undercut I fell in love. This was probably one of the only hair cuts I can say that I’ve actually liked, enjoyed and haven’t had a ton of bad hair days. Being someone with naturally curly, big, frizzy hair, it had been completely flat and looking lifeless for too long. My curls even stopped curling and I don’t use heat or shampoo. But suffice it to say I want to keep this cut for a while and I’ve never felt like that after any haircut in my life. Woot.
Everything about this just feels freeing. It feels right. It feels like I’m giving myself the wheel to my own life (cough Jesus take the wheel – lol). It feels like I am actually being myself again. In a world of insanity and less than two weeks before the election that could pretty much screw my entire future should I stay in the US… I feel alive again. I feel like I can get through this. I feel like now is my time despite the bullshit around me to actually claim the life I want.
How funny is it to take a look around and see the world practically on fire (almost literally… LA is still on fire), and think okay here we go, its time… but that’s just the thing… 2020 like every year before it will end. The Pandemic will end. This bullshit will end. Yes we have a lot to recover from and yes it will take time, but in this ultimate pause of humanity are you going to do the best you can to be okay with yourself and maybe those around you or are you going to act like this is all normal and nothing can or will change?
Do you embrace the bitch so you can punch her out later? Or do you ignore her while she stalks you like a stage five clinger? The choice is yours at this point. To quote an old Switchfoot song, this is your life, are you who you want to be? I wasn’t for the longest time, but I’m about to be again.
Talking Over the World (formerly Diary of a Tactical Maverick) 