Maybe I’m more delusional than I thought or maybe I’m just a sucker for an epic adventure story but the more I sit around in my hometown the more I want to be out in the world. For about five seconds I’m content here. I like going out and having fun. I like hanging out and relaxing with my friends. I’m on better than good terms with my parents. Never really had too many familial problems. We all have mommy issues but it is what it is. But at any given moment I always feel like I’m bigger than this place. Like I’m destined for more. And take it from me, I’m anything but a believer if you catch my drift.
I’ve been told I’m one of the most open minded people because I don’t care what you believe regardless of topic, subject, religion, relationship, whatever. If you want it to be or you believe in it fine by me as long as you don’t force your system or thoughts on me. I left this area wanting to run screaming. I’ve gone through my obstacles along the way, some miniscule and some more meaningful in the midst of it all. I’ve had my friends prove their friendship to me more than I could’ve hoped. I’ve had more faith in calling this area home recently than I have in a very long time. Yet I’m still not entirely okay with being here. The notion of home is broken. It has been since the first time I left for college over 5 years ago.
I’ve grown and changed as a person in many ways shapes and forms. I’ve lost sight of my original self and I can’t say that’s a terrible thing. I’ve lost sight of the person I was a few years ago. I’ve lost sight of the person I became when I was at my lowest. I’ve found lower and deeper depths than I ever deemed possible. I held on to the past for so long yet I seemed to let it all go at once along with a piece of myself. I have no sense of home and I don’t know what to do about it. I have no love interest or relationship. I don’t know what I want as a career. And I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I know what I went through while I was in school yet part of me is really thinking about going back there. Do I thrive on the pain? Am I feeling so lost because I’m lacking the constant aching wound? I still haven’t entirely fixed the one from my best friend yet it sure as hell isn’t what it used to be. I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been but I’ve lost sight of so many things along the way.
I’m trying to figure out what I want, where I want to go. I’ve been living in the present more recently than I ever have in my life. I think to the future and what I want yet I slide back to what I currently have. I’ve never been a crazy risk taker but I’ve been known to do what I want in any moment. Going “back home” isn’t an easy decision. The job prospects are slim. The things to do are typically boring after about five seconds. I don’t want this life anymore, yet here I am again. I have so much love for my friends and the people around me. I still can’t totally let go of my former best friend. Things have and haven’t been happening. I have more and less freedom than ever yet – I don’t really know me anymore.
Being home, being content, becomes harder and harder. I listen to my friends from graduate school making things happen and I envy them. I know I couldn’t put myself through that again. That isn’t my path. Yet this doesn’t seem to be either. One moment I feel like I’m doomed to wander the planet alone in search of something, happiness, myself, salvation I honestly don’t know. I feel like there’s so much out there to achieve. I don’t even begin to know where to start. The dream I once held for myself hasn’t been since my last semester of college. I haven’t really found anything else to dream for since then. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve had plenty of one night stands. I have a ton of student loan debt. I’ve done everything in life I’ve ever wanted to thus far. I have friends that I know would always have my back. I have friends that I talk to like siblings despite being an only child. I’m a cynical realist but a secret romantic. I’m guilty of being a game player but who isn’t these days. I’m sick of trudging through the fog only to be continuously rained on. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for myself. And everything in my life proves it. But what do I do? How do I fix this when I don’t exactly know what’s broken?
No one can tell you what to dream and how to get there. Life isn’t that cut and dry. Everyone is on a personal journey and no one person’s is the same. I’m not a big believer of everything happens for a reason but after a certain point I start to see why some things happen. You don’t always have to know why something happens but it’s nice to know why the crazy shit happens. Whether it’s supposed to teach you something or not who knows. I see life in two ways. One is the way of being in my hometown around my parents and family. The not-so-easy easy way because I have a geographically sound support system for the most part. The other is the hard but damned near impossible way of going it alone.
How do you go after something when you don’t know what you want? How do you make anything happening when you’re wandering through the woods lost? I’m a sucker for an epic adventure. I love getting lost in these stories in the characters. The details of the worlds. The distinct histories that have been created accordingly. I have a love for things I find beautiful. Landscapes, great food, ice cream, the ocean, old world Europe, ruins, things that have withstood the ages and yet are still semi intact… the list goes on. I’ve had vivid dreams come true. I’ve had crazy nightmares that I just kept sleeping through. I’ve known the feeling of contentment with the energies of the world. I’ve felt so alive and so alternately dead. I’ve known soul mates and love. I’ve known anger and rage. How can you know and feel so much yet feel and allow yourself so little acceptance? How do you build a notion of home when it has been thusly broken? How do you piece together a dream when you don’t know what you want?
People always ask me what I’m afraid of and I always hesitate to answer them. I’m not a fearful person. I’m not afraid of death or dying. I’m afraid of not living, really living. Maybe that’s why I’m so annoying to myself right now. All I feel that I do is complain on this even though I’m just writing out my thoughts. I’m expressing my thoughts, feelings, wisdom in the only way I seem to know how. I draw, I paint, I write. I’m a generally creative person yet I don’t know how to let the creativity ooze from my every being unless I’m in raw form.
I’m a walking contradiction because I’m a realist but I’m a romantic. I’m a cynic but I’m a dreamer. The inner struggle is the worst and I’m my own worst enemy but I don’t know how to let that go. I like being around people but I like being alone. I won’t go out and think I’m going to have a bad time. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I’m missing but I know something isn’t right. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way yet everyone I speak to just doesn’t get it or attempt to know how to fix it.
I know I’m young but I don’t think that way. I’ve been providing for myself in many ways for a very long time. I’m rough around the edges but no one is a pristine form of themselves ever so I don’t expect perfection. But how do I get this to stop? I over think and over analyze everything. I do it for the knowledge. I do it for other alternative perspectives. I’m not looking for someone to give me an answer but to open my mind to a new way to think about something. I will ask for help if I need it but if I can’t articulate what it is I need I won’t be caught dead asking. How do you change what you know because you know it’s bad for you? How do you stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best friend without the cockiness? When I feel like I’ve achieved a lot and so little how do I see the good without the bad? Am I too aware of all sides? Is there such a thing? How do you find yourself in a lost world of possible outcomes but no strict desires on the forefront? How do you achieve greatness and personal success if you don’t know what it means or what you want?
Talking Over the World (formerly Diary of a Tactical Maverick) 